Insidious (2010)

Toilet Review: *exhales deeply*

For some reason, “Insidious” and “The Conjuring” are linked in my mind. Sure it’s the same director and sure one of the main actors are the same, but I keep thinking that they came out in the same year and I honestly could not be more wrong! Maybe it’s because it’s the same tone, and pretty much the same movie but told in a different way. I’m not sure.

Anyway, “Insidious” is another movie that was recommended to me to watch for my horror binge as of late. I was promised terror and horror and scares by the buttload. Alas. That was not to be.

The story focuses on a young child called Dalton, who inexplicably falls into a coma like state that has his parents worried sick. There is something odd happening in the house that his mother cannot seem to place her finger on, but she keeps seeing odd things and eventually gets so freaked out, she has her mother in law call a psychic.

Turns out the kid is trapped in a dream like state and that entities are preventing him from returning. Only his father, who had the same memories as a child but had them repressed, is the only one who can save him! What a shocker!

If you’ve seen one horror movie, ever, it’s going to be better than this. There isn’t anything scary, there isn’t anything thought provoking and there certainly isn’t anything worth a rewatch it in it. Save yourself the trouble and go watch paint dry instead.

The Conjuring (2013)

Toilet Review: When, oh when, will I find a good horror movie?!

Carrying on my week of horror movies, and on the advice of my visiting sister in law, I decided to watch “The Conjuring”. As we sat down in my darkened living room, a blanket drawn up over us, Gillian swore that this was scariest horror movie she had ever seen, and that girl doesn’t scare too lightly. She works in film and is usually a pain in the butt to watch a movie with as she can constantly see where and which make up was used to create a certain effect. I love listening to her when we are watching tv as she offers some incredible insight and is super interesting.

But not for horror movies. When she told me that this kept her awake at night, I was excited. Perhaps this was the horror movie I had been waiting for?

The movie opens with the ever reassuring “based on a true story” line, and soon we are subjected to the all American family who have just moved into a new house. Things don’t go quite as they should, and soon the family are experiencing all manner of supernatural ghosties. Luckily, the mother just happens to attend a lecture of a husband and wife “ghostbuster” team, and she invites them to see what the hell is just going on in her house.

Of course, things go from bad to worse, and soon I was just about as bored as I am with every horror movie. Sure, there are some creepy scenes, (the sleepwalking child and foot tugging standing out) but overall, I was just a little disappointed. It’s your standard ghost/demon/scary house. All it was missing was a haunted Native American burial ground and it would have scored all the points in the horror trope bingo!

I’d recommend this movie if you want to go on a date night with someone on Halloween who can’t handle horror movies. It will scare them slightly, and you can be the tower of comfort in their time of need.

Next!

Ichi the Killer (2001)

Toilet Review: I’m not even sure what this movie should be classified as. It’s not a horror and it certainly isn’t a thriller. Perhaps torture porn suits best?

Given the month that it is in it, I decided to watch a whole bunch of horror movies over the past couple of days, so be prepared for that. On my trawling through movie forums to try and find something original, and chatting with co-workers, this movie was recommended to me. So, I duly plopped it on, and sat my cute butt down to enjoy what I thought was gonna be some sweet Japanese horror.

Boy was I wrong!

My husband didn’t even make it past the opening titles. To be fair though, the movie opens with the violent beating and rape of a prostitute, and our “hero” masturbating to it. The title screen forms out of his sperm as it drips off a plastic plant. So you know this movie is going to go all types of weird places.

To be honest though, I thought the gore was over done. It certainly lost it’s shock value on me after the second time we see Kakihara butcher a man. When there is SO much gore, and there is a LOT of gore and bloody death in this movie, whatever shock value it was meant to have deteriorates and then I am forced to enjoy the story, which is pretty non- existent in this movie.

Something about a missing mob boss, a boatload of money, and a man hell bent on crafting a master assassin. I’m not too sure on the details, because once you strip away the blood, all you are left with is a flimsy movie with little to no plot and a whole lot of sado-masochism.

I wouldn’t even bother watching this if I were you. Unless you want to see some pretty cool horror special effects, then go right ahead!

Cleopatra (1963)

Toilet Review: One heck of a long movie, but absolutely beautiful.

First off, apologies for not updating in so long. Over the past month and a bit, I have been moving myself and my husband halfway around the world to Toronto, Canada. A bit of a big move from Dublin, Ireland! So, between packing, and flying, and moving, and getting a new job, I haven’t really had time to update my blog. However, I believe now that things have settled down somewhat, normal service should resume.

“Cleopatra” was my plane movie. Given that it is nearly five hours in run time, it suited me almost perfectly for the seven and a half hour flight to Toronto. It was funny actually, as my husband ended up watching two movies and each time he would lean over and ask if I was STILL watching Cleopatra!

But, moving on.

“Cleopatra” is a movie of epic portions. The costumes, the sets, the dialogue, the extras, the acting. Everything is magnified to the point where you actually stop believing this is a movie and are transported to the world on show. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. The sets are absolutely magnificent. They are huge and grand, and often times I wondered how long they took to build. The costumes, don’t even get me started on the costumes. They deserve to be in history of film books as the pinnacle of what can be achieved. They were sumptuous and gorgeous, and even if they weren’t period accurate, what about it!?

The story focuses, surprisingly enough, on the life of Cleopatra and her love for Julius Caesar, and later Mark Anthony. Her life is a constant battle and the few months of happiness that she garners is just not enough to make her story a happy one.

Elizabeth Taylor is the star in this movie, no doubt about it. She commands the scene each time she makes an appearance. Be it merely as a background character or the Pharaoh of all Egypt, she is amazing in this.

This is the sort of movie that can be a trial to watch, given it’s lengthy run time, and to be honest, it wouldn’t have been my first choice, even on the plane. But I am so glad I gave this a shot, and I will definitely be looking out for a theatre that shows it on the big screen. No doubt it will be just as fabulous, if not more so.